This week I’ve felt numb, I’ve been disconnected from everything. I will do ministry and feel entirely exhausted rather than built up afterwards. I feel like I have no purpose here, and I’ve honestly been struggling to find my purpose.
Ministry doesn’t always go as planned, in fact it’s constantly changing when you’re in a third world country. And honestly that has been the hardest thing for me. Jamaica wasn’t this difficult for me, I felt connected and I loved every second, no part of me wanted out or didn’t care. I can’t say it’s the same for me now. I feel lost and confused.. as if I don’t even have the Holy Spirit anymore.
I said that because it’s the truth. I want to be raw and honest but right now I don’t feel it, I don’t feel the Holy Spirit.. So what do I feel?
Lost. Confused. Angry. Numb.
In that exact order, I’ve never felt this way on a missions trip while trying to teach others about how amazing my God is. So I’m struggling here, mentally and spiritually. I want to say I’m loving every minute and I never want to leave this country but I can’t.
So what is God teaching me?
It’s okay to not be okay.
ITS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.
That’s right, I came to Guatemala for a month to realize that I’m allowed to not be okay. I’m allowed to struggle and feel lost. I’m allowed to not have it all together, because with Christ I have it all.
So everyone I came to this third world country, for a month to tell you that I’m not okay. That I’m seriously struggling but also that I’m leaning more into my God than I ever have. I’ve had to put more trust into God than ever.
But I can honestly tell you I’ve put more into my relationship with Christ in these few weeks than in my 21 years of life. I’ve had to put all my trust in him and believe that he will protect me. And that hasn’t been easy for me at all.. in fact it’s been really hard.
Sleepless nights have became a reoccurring theme for me during this trip. Most would say it’s because I’m on a concrete floor and a thin sleeping mat, but that’s not all it. It’s because I’ve struggled trusting that God will protect me. But I’m starting to figure all this out, slowly but I am. I’m learning how to trust God with all I have and all that I am.
So when you hit a wall, don’t quit, and don’t give up on God even when you feel like it.
