Unexpected Freedom

Everything figured out. No fear, shame, or sadness. Smile, game face on. But this doesn’t last long. Your boat gets wrecked. Everything falls apart, but oddly feels to be falling into place. Vulnerable. Walls shattered. Tears shed. Healing beginning.

The first few days of training camp I was frustrated with myself. I came into this thinking I had a great relationship with the Lord. The more it hit me that I didn’t have this perfect relationship, I felt weak and I wanted to pull away. After a few sessions I realized I had God in a small box that I wanted to control when I let him in, and how deep I wanted to let him go. I was realizing just how far I had fallen from the Lord and I felt like I had betrayed him. I prayed, and the more I prayed He kept repeating one word to me. Vulnerable. I knew I had to let down the walls. The tall, thick walls built up around my heart. I was hiding pain, regret, and fear behind these walls. And I realized that as long as I had these walls up I was creating a bigger and bigger barrier between Jesus and I.

I surrendered and I welcomed the fear of being vulnerable. I realized the fear I may feel from being vulnerable is so small compared to the overwhelming joy I would feel to let Him in. And the minute I did this, I felt free. It may only be the beginning of this journey for me but I felt more freedom than I have in the past 19 years of my life. I felt worthy of the love Jesus has for me and I realized I may not be perfect, but in Jesus’ eyes I am his perfect work. He doesn’t love one day, and stop loving the next and He had been with me the entire time I was hiding. Circumstances change and times get tough, but the love of God is undying. And the minute I let myself believe it, I felt it.