“You trust God, don’t you?” She said.
I caught my breath and nervously looked away.
“Uh, I…uh…yeah?”
I couldn’t believe a simple “Yes” was so hard to utter in this moment.
“I guess it’s something I need to talk with Him more about, and work on.”
My team leader, Kristen, responded,
“I definitely think you need to remind yourself, whenever your worries come to mind, to tell God, ‘I trust you.’ Write it on your hand, don’t forget to say it until you believe it.” (I’m paraphrasing, just to give the idea since I don’t remember exact words.)
It hadn’t occurred to me how long it had been since I said the word “trust” in reference to God, or told Him personally that I did trust Him with some specific things. A hardening fear had crept in, whispering that I should not trust any person with my friendship or the deepest things of my heart–I had created a subconscious safety net for myself. “Trust” is hard to grasp, especially in the lowest of times when all one seems to hear is “Just trust Him!” I guard myself from cliché…because, can it really be so simple?
I found out at training camp that God wanted to go further with me. I am pursuing Him in a serious way, but cautious about letting Him pursue me. We watched a video by Brené Brown called The Anatomy of Trust, where she describes how trust is built (or broken) by one small act upon another. We must look at these instances to see who is worthy of our time and trust as a true friend.
I feel deeply and love deeply, so there’s a fear in relationships that I struggle to get past. But I have zero reason to doubt God’s faithfulness, worthiness, goodness…every small act toward me has built up a stronghold of constancy in our relationship.
So last week when my heart would trail into “what-ifs” I’d stop, take a deep breath and say, “I trust you, I do. God, I trust you with all of me.” His worthiness is what makes all the difference. This is a tight rope I’m just stepping out on (again) but I know HE is the safety net that will keep me when I fall to pieces. His authority is matched by His gentleness and THAT inspires me to run to Him.
One day at a time, I say “yes” to my identity in Him. I am God’s beloved child who He wants to befriend, pursue, protect, teach, build up, and just be with in general! He sees me perfectly, and loves me deeper than anyone else can. He is better than I will ever know. He says He will hold and guide me.
I just have to remember that He really, truly can.
Bring it on, Thailand!
