The Epicenter of the Universe

 

•Picture the epicenter of the universe standing behind you•

 

Friday night my leader Ruthann asked me to share something in front of the high schoolers at Victory Church. If any of you know me, you know that public speaking is a huge fear of mine. Despite taking a public speaking college course, and taking advantage of many opportunities to speak at my church, it still brings me immense anxiety and discomfort.  

 

Something I try to live by is, embrace the uncomfortable, so I said yes. 

I know that some of the discomfort is spiritual attack. I have a lot to say, and the enemy wants me to remain silent. My story holds power. 

 

The Lord frequently gives me opportunities to speak when I need to trust him more. He knows I will desperately cry out and worship him in these moments. Without Him, there is absolutely no way I could make it through public speaking. I know this, because before I had Jesus, speaking didn’t go so well- l that is another story. 

 

Can we just marvel at Him for a moment. His timing is impeccable. This past week I was distracted, I took things into my own hands, which looks like me seeking control,overanalyzing, etc. I didn’t spend much alone time with him. 

He is teaching me not to live by feelings, such a basic lesson, one I have learned, and am still learning the hard way.  Saying yes to Him when I don’t feel close to him, or I don’t feel ready, is a step of faith. 

 

I only had 20 minutes to figure out what I would share. In those 20 minutes He poured out love, he rejuvenated my body, and he told me exactly what to share. He is the most faithful daddy. 

 

He told me to speak on my struggles with depression, the freedom I have from self harm, suicidal thinking, and waiting on Him for complete freedom. He reminded me of a word spoken by a Pastor back home, Jason Denison, ‘whenever we experience fear (or hopelessness), to picture the epicenter of the universe standing behind you’.

*what an encouragement to me in that moment, the Lord was like, hello Jess! I am right beside you in this, do not fear. 

 

I shared that even though I have received so much healing and restoration, it is still a process. I am still waiting for full freedom and that is okay. The enemy still uses depression to attack me, and some moments I feel hopeless. In those moments I have to choose to seek His face. I know that I am just as worthy of his love, and He is just as close to me on the days I tangibly feel Him, as the days I feel hopeless. He has been encouraging me to stop asking how it is going to happen (freedom) and to start praying for an increase of faith, that is he is going to do it. 

 

Philippians 1:6 

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

 

Lastly, the Lord reminded me of this verse, and a word my mentor Chelsey always reminds me of in moments of doubt- “it ain’t over till it’s good”. 

He is a good daddy, and He is not going to leave His masterpiece incomplete. 

 

 

So I said yes to Him, and anxiously went in front of the youth to speak. And as always, He showed up.

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