My Life Of Many Jars

For the past two weeks I have been teaching English at a Catholic school. It’s mostly an all girls school, but there are some boys in the younger grades. My group mostly taught with the older girls 6th grade- 12th grade. Each day we walked into the class and the girls would go crazy. Some would scream because they were just so excited to see us. I felt like a famous person walking into a meet and greet with their fans. We would introduce ourselves and play a little game. Then we would break up the class into small groups, so they could ask us questions to improve their English. I sat down in a group and they would ask my name again, they’d ask how tall I was, how many people are in my family, what’s my favorite animal, and so many more. But there was one question that I wasn’t looking forward to them asking me, and I knew they would ask it in each group. They said “teacher,  you have a boyfriend?” I wanted to say “yes” so badly but I would tell them “no I don’t have a boyfriend.” They would giggle or laugh or even sigh. It hurt me each time they asked me. Then the thought of my worth came to the surface. The devil was whispering to me that the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend was because I was too fat and too ugly for someone to love.  I thought those feeling wouldn’t come back because I didn’t have time to focus on guys. Well that didn’t happen. I was asked if I had a boyfriend everyday. I hated getting into groups because I knew it was going to get asked. At one point I said yes just so they wouldn’t look at me like a sad puppy on the side of the road. I wish I didn’t because I was just trying to hide my brokenness again. My brokenness was finally surfacing again.  Instead of turning to God for the love and affirmation I needed, I ran to other things. I looked for affirmation from guys, friends, family, and other things.  Yeah the affirmation was nice at the time but it didn’t help. I still felt the same about myself ugly, fat, and not worth anyone’s time. I would bottle the feelings up and put them on a shelf. My shelf was so full that the jars almost started to fall, but I keep adding to the shelf. I put on a front to people acting like I was okay, but on the inside I was screaming for someone to love me.

Love me, want me, need me.

Coming to Thailand, I thought I could just keep the jars on the shelf and not open them. I have been doing it for months now.  Why can’t I keep them there?  The jars started to open at camp but just a little. When I got to Thailand I was fighting to open them. Being from the South, canning is something everyone knows how to do (at least I think they do..lol). So you know when you are trying to open a canned jar that had been left on the shelf for a while and it can be kinda hard. Sometimes you need a strong man to do it (not staying a strong woman can’t), just that you need help. Well that was what God was doing. He was helping me to open my jars and fill them back with his love and joy.

One day God was speaking me, but I wasn’t listening until a girl at the school asked me a question and I was at a loss for words. She asked ‘Teacher why are your eyes so pretty?” I had to take a minute before I could answer her, because I would have just started crying. The question caught me off guard and hit me so deep inside I didn’t know how to respond to her. I told her “it was because of my parents.” I was so confused at the moment why she was asking about my eyes. It wasn’t her asking me; it was God. He was really saying to me “Sydney why can’t you see the beauty I have given you?” The jars that have been rusted, dusted, left on the shelf,  and pushed so far back so no one will see them were finally opened. I am finally seeing my beauty and loving the person God created. I still have days where I want to close the jars, but God is holding that can opener telling not to do that again,  “you are loved and you are so worth it Sydney!” When I think of God holding that can opener I think of my Granny standing with him making salsa and my dad eating her paella.

Ezekiel 36:26- I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 

God has removed the dust, stones, and the hurt I have felt in those jars. He has filled them with love, patience, kindness and beauty.

Allow God to fill your jars with lighting bugs so everyone can see your beauty.