Sinners, Deserts, and Some Radical Love

“Guilt went looking for my past but all it found was love.
And I’ve been transformed.”

Or, to be a little more accurate, I’ve been transforming. That’s kind of been God’s theme for my life this past year.

Oh and has it been incredible.

As most of you know, I spent last July in Africa. I don’t know why, because looking back, I wanted to know Jesus desperately, but did I know Him? Maybe a little bit. But not enough to go out to the desert for Him. So as I look back, I start to wonder how I got there. I wonder if I knew Him just enough for Him to pull me out to the desert Himself. And it makes sense because if I had known what He was going to put me through I would have said, “Nope. Nada. Mai chai. 0%. Bye Felicia.” Maybe I didn’t trust Him. Maybe He was kind of an added bonus to my life, an accessory. But that’s kind of what makes this story beautiful.

So he pulled me out into the desert, the wilderness. Similar to the way He pulled Gomer to the desert.
Go read Hosea right now.
So Gomer is actually me. That was actually my life. I mean, a little less intense but you know.
Except I’m not Israel and this is not some hypothetical desert. I’m a young women, caught up in the world. And this desert? Let me tell you if you don’t know, Africa is a freakin desert.
The Lord actually put me on a real plane and took me to a real desert. And out in this desert, He. Shut. Up.
He stopped talking. I got off the tiny little van thinking that this was where I was going to earn my Christian points, I was going to change some hearts and lives, and the Lord was going to walk me through it all. Then He laughed and that was the last thing I heard from Him for about three weeks.
So there I was. I was angry, frustrated. I was confused, wondering if I even wanted that life, that faith, any of it. Was it worth it? Was I ever going to understand Him? Was I ever going to be good enough? And why the heck wasn’t He speaking to me!?
But let me tell you something.
I was still on my knees.
I was desperate, praying to this God that I was so angry at.
I was yelling at Him.
I was furious. Lost. It was during that month that I started questioning everything I believed in.

I think that’s where I started getting it right.

In Hosea God says something like this, “My daughter doesn’t get it. I think I’m going to bring her into the desert where all comforts she’s ever known are far away. But don’t worry, I’m not going to leave her out there…At some point she’s going to get tired of her own voice.
This is where I’ll allure her. I’ll get her attention and lead her into the wilderness. Out there, I’ll speak tenderly to her.”

And this next thing He says is where Gomer and I’s story line up so perfectly that it makes my breath catch.

“Out here, out where it’s hard and frustrating… that’s where you’re gonna stop calling me master, and start calling me husband.”

I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT THIS IS MY STORY. JESUS TOOK ME TO THE WILDERNESS AND IT WASNT BECAUSE HE WAS ANGRY WITH ME BUT BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO SEE HIM EXACTLY AS HE WAS.

So that’s where it starts.

God literally took me to a desert, away from every comfort I had ever known, and then He stopped talking to me. He wanted me to be really real with Him. He didn’t want to play the game anymore. He wanted me pray like never before and seek Him like never before. He wasn’t going to make Himself easily accessible for a little bit so I could find out what it means to pursue Him with my whole heart.

Sometimes you can’t do that anywhere but the desert.

So that’s where He took me.

So He could deprive everything I believed in of water and start over. Everything I had thought about Him before, gone. It was time I understood who He was just a little bit more. One morning, towards the end of the trip, I looked up at the sky and for the first time, in the softest voice, the Lord spoke, “You’ve got it wrong, my love. I’m better than you hoped and bigger than you thought. I love you more and my grace doesn’t have an end. You’re already enough. You’re already mine. Let me have your heart. Stop following the laws and follow my foot steps. You’re my bride. I want you to know me for real. So let’s go, let’s get you outta here. I’m sorry for being quiet but if you look back, I was there the whole time. I just have ways of seeming far away. It was only to bring you closer to me. Let’s go. I still have a lot to do. We may or may not have to climb a few mountains after this but we can at least get out of the desert.”

So I went home.
And this time, I stopped relying on myself before the Lord.
And He kept walking with me.
And, you’re right, I kept stumbling.
But He kept pushing, speaking to me the way a husband should. “I love you, keep going. This mountain is a little steeper than all the rest, but the top is also a little more glorious. Let’s keep going.”

He took this past year to do something really radical in me. A huge chunk of it started in Africa, but I can promise you it’s not over. So I can say that I’m being transformed. I’m still climbing mountains. I’m still stumbling all over the place. I’ve even been back to the desert a few times when I’ve forgotten something He’s taught me. And every time it’s more tender than before. He never says, “this is your last chance” or “get your act together, you should know this by now.” Every time it’s an, “I love you. I’ll be back for you.” And every time I cry out for Him just as desperately as before. You never get used to the desert, when God gets quiet it will always be hard, but I think that’s just part of His plan.
So I’m literally no where near having it all together. I mess up all the time. But I do get to say that my Jesus has yet to abandon me. He has yet to leave me out there in the dark. I’m in this process. And it’s taken me a long time to get here and it’ll be a long time till I get out, but He still has not left me here. I feel like the process could easily be His favorite part, forget the destination. And I think He loves it because it’s all about saying every single day, “do what you will, I am yours.” And then He gets to take control.
Oh, and when you give Him control. That’s when real life can start to happen. When you follow Him where He takes you, that’s when God can really start doing some things.

Kay, now you really gotta pay attention to this last part because it’s important-

THE REAL LOVE OF JESUS TRANSFORMS.

When you experience His real love, I promise you some radical things are going to happen. When I experienced His real love for the first time, there was no way He was a second thought or a bonus. It was too good. It was too pure. Sweeter than anything I had ever tasted. It was a love that had no conditions. It couldn’t be measured if you tried. When I felt His love on my shoulders, His hands holding my hands…I knew there would only be one way and that was Jesus.
And if you are not being transformed by His love, I encourage you to press in a little deeper. Spend a little more time. Ask the Lord to reveal it to you. When you start to experience the real love the Lord has for you, it’s going to mess things up. Because I promise you there is more life in His love than any before it. His love is going to absolutely wreck you in the most beautiful way. It is a reckless love. It cannot cannot cannot be ignored.

And what’s crazy and totally good is that Jesus will come get you. You are His and He loves you deeply and He wants nothing more than to lavish that love on you. He does not hide from us. His hands are already outstretched, waiting for you to take hold. He does not leave His children in the dark. He wants us with Him. He wants us to know Him because knowing Him is the only love you’ll ever need to experience. He doesn’t want rules or laws or gold stars. He just wants you. And He’ll come get you if you let Him. And yeah, He might take you to a desert. Be ready for that, because it really might be the very first step. And it’s not because he’s angry with you but because he’s desperately in love with you. And like Gomer and I, He won’t leave you out there forever. Maybe for a little bit, but a good father comes back for His sons and daughters. And we have a really really good father.

Life with Jesus will always beat everything else every single time.
Give up control. You won’t get the same results if you don’t and this is not something you want to miss out on.
Let Him do His thing.
He’s really good at it.

So praise God I was in Bangkok just a few days ago so I could get a tattoo to represent this radical transforming that the Lord is walking me through and these things He’s been teaching me. The triangle in itself means “transform.” It’s a reminder of who I used to be and who I am in Christ now. It’s a reminder to allow the Lord to walk me where He needs to walk me, because His plans are better. It’s a reminder to keep choosing Jesus because life with Him proves better every time. It also represents a mountain or the wilderness. Which reminds me of where He taken me and where trusting Him has brought me. And the fact that I will still stumble and fall, but my Jesus has more grace and more love than I could possible imagine. If and when He takes me back to the desert, I will remember it’s only out of love and He will not leave me there. And even out there, He will still speak tenderly to me. And then when it’s time, His grace will invite me back home.

Khawp khun kha, Jesus. You are so faithful.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
-2 Cor. 5:17