Rid Me Of Myself

As I am sitting on a tiled bench anchored in the dirt, chickens nibbling around my feet, and sweat already forming on my back at a ripe 6:30AM — as unknown sounds of foreign animals vie for my attention and smoky aromas fill my lungs, my mind can’t help but recognize how there is absolutely nothing comfortable about this scene. There is nothing comfortable about taking a bucket shower without opening my mouth. There is nothing comfortable about cocooning my sleeping pad in a mosquito net. There is nothing comfortable about brushing my teeth with a water bottle, not having clean clothes, using the bathroom in the dirt with no toilet paper, finding spiders the size of my hand, and the list proliferates with each moment. 

 

But, yet, in my heart, I find deep rest. An anchored peace. An unwavering sense of relief in such a remote place. 

 

As my first day is beginning to unfold, I am asking God to reveal to me His purpose for me on this specific trip, in this specific place, at this specific time. 

 

He keeps bringing me back to one theme: SURRENDER. 

 

One of my favorite movies of all time is Princess Diaries. Weirdly enough, I have been reminded of this one particular scene throughout training camp, travels days, and arrival in Cambodia. I used the hovering one bar of WiFi to look up Mia’s speech at the end of the movie.

She says: 

“I have realized how many stupid times a day I use the word “I.” All I ever do is think about myself… If I cared about the other seven billion out there instead of just me, that’s probably a much better use of my time.” 

 

Amazing how God can speak through anything — even a chick flick. 

 

One of my best friends once told me that instead of saying ‘God I want more of you,’ as I so often have so far on this trip, I should instead say, ‘God I want less of me.’ 

 

When I am stripped away from normalcy and displaced from my everyday distractions, I am overwhelmed by how much time and energy I waste on myself. On trying to elevate myself. Trying to make myself better. Trying to accumulate more for myself. 

 

This way of living is incredibly life draining. It never finds rest. It never finds peace. It never finds assurance. 

 

As I sit and read my Bible, preparing for my first day at the orphanage, I keep being brought back to this horrible habit I have developed and how I can be delivered at the feet of God in surrender. 

 

“I know, God, mere mortals can’t run their own lives, that men and women don’t have what it takes to take charge of life. So correct us, God, as you see best.” 

 

[SURRENDER] Total and utter surrender is what I have learned thus far and it hasn’t even been a full day. 

 

 

There is abundantly more to life than my corrupt, self-absorbed personal kingdom. Ironically, the times in which I feel I am at my best, in my element, and living out the call God has for my life, I am in a posture of complete surrender — focused entirely on being present with Him in the moment and not on myself. 

 

You know what stands in the way of me stepping into God’s will for my life? Me, myself, and I. A habitual distraction that is schemingly manufactured by the devil. 

 

Although I have only been here less than a day, meeting the precious children at the orphanage, the gracious hosts at the mission, and the beautiful people of Cambodia, I am fervently reminded I can find comfort in the uncomfortable when I surrender to the Lord. 

 

               So, God, I want less and less of myself so I can see more of You. 

 

For this trip to be all that God intends, I MUST get out of my own way and befriend the realization that I am not my own. 

 

Galatians 2:20 (ESV)  

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” 

 

It’s all about You, Jesus. For Your glory and Your fame. It’s not about me.