Jesus showed up today.
This afternoon, we were released for an hour to spend some time one-on-one with Jesus exploring different spiritual pathways. My team and I went down to a huge, open pavilion and one of the girls played guitar, worshiping quietly as we all settled down with our Bibles.
I’ve always been insecure about my singing voice. I’m surrounded with people who can sing really well, and I’ve always felt like my voice just isn’t good enough. Growing up in a performing arts school, competing in musical theater, auditioning with solos…I’ve constantly been aware of how my voice is okay–but it’s just that. Okay. Not great, not good, just okay. I’ve spent years learning how to use my voice and there are still many notes I can’t hit, many harmonies I can’t hear, many melodies I just can’t get right. Even while worshiping I have a hard time not focusing on what my voice sounds like and if I’m hitting the notes correctly instead of focusing on the heart of what worship should be: to bring glory to God.
As I sat with the girls from my team I felt the huge urge to worship, but I just couldn’t bring myself to sing surrounded by all the girls from my team, silently studying their Bibles. I felt the Lord prompt me to stand up and walk on my own, and so I did. I walked until I was at the very edge of the base, in the woods far away from anyone else. And, again, He told me: Sing. I want to hear you, and your song pleases me. Sing for me, and no one else.
So I did.
I sang the verses and choruses of several songs I’m already familiar with, and then I took what God has placed on my heart lately and sang that, too.
I can’t hold this anymore
Please take this, Lord.
That has been the cry of my heart over the past few days. My soul is weary and the burdens from the past year have been dragging me down, claiming me and declaring victory over me. But no more. I sang God’s liberation over myself and I will sing it again every day if that is what takes for His freedom to truly wreck me. It’s beautiful how Jesus can use such a strange experience–me, standing in the middle of the forest, crying out in a shaky voice–to wash my heart clean and to take over those burdens I’d been clinging so tightly to. His presence consumed me in those moments, and I knew that it didn’t matter how my voice sounded or if I was raising my hands high enough. I sang for Him, and it was worship, and it delighted Him. My broken surrender in that moment meant more to Him than the most beautiful harmony.
Jesus showed up today. Or, rather, he’s always showing up, but today I allowed Him to work. I can’t wait to see what else He does.
