Just A Feeling

Wednesday we arrived in Bangkok, Thailand. Even thought I feel as if only my body is here, but the rest of me is still in Cambodia. We left Kampong Cham on Monday, and stayed in Siem Reap that night and Tuesday, leaving Wednesday morning. While Siem Reap was beautiful and so much fun, giving me the time of my life, I sill felt as though I was missing something.

I cried all Sunday, knowing I was going to be leaving my friends. I cried all Monday, missing the faces I had found so much joy with. And I cried Tuesday, not knowing why I was still crying. And I cried Wednesday, scared of everything I was feeling.
On this trip, I have been walking in my new found freedom. I have been allowing myself to feel emotions that I normally disregard as unimportant, and have no intention of acting on. I was allowing myself to be heartbroken over leaving the kids in the village. I was allowing myself to be sad and hurt that God would bring me here only to rip me away a month later. So why is this lasting so long? I have felt my feelings. I have accepted leaving this chapter and entering a new ministry. Why can I not just move on and stop crying and being sad all the time?

And I think I’ve figured it out. I don’t think I will stop hurting. A part of me will always hurt not being with those kids. I connected with them in a way I’ve never connected with anyone, and I love them in such a way that it would be wrong for me not to miss them.
But there are some things that make me more upset than others. Like that some of those boys are so incredibly good at soccer, that they could probably play professionally, and they most likely won’t get that opportunity.

Or that one boy, Dubrong, is such a little genius that he could honestly be an engineer or scientist one day or something. This kid made himself a working music player out of a cellphone battery and a rubber band. I don’t understand how, but he did, and my mind is still blown.

And Dara, a boy so sweet and joyous and beautiful, is an extremely talented artist and musician. He plays his guitar and leads worship, and draws in his sketchbook pictures of his favorite soccer players. What are the odds that these kids will get the chances that I know they deserve?

To that, I answer with my own story. It doesn’t come close to theirs, but it’s something that is relevant all the same. What were the odds that I would end up in Southeast Asia for 3 months?

I grew up wanting to travel and help people so badly, and daydreaming of the day I got to get on a plane. But I also grew up knowing that in my family’s financial situation, that it was not going to happen. And if it was still up to my family circumstances, I wouldn’t be here.

So good thing it’s not in your family, your past, your money, or your own deeds that decide what happens to you. It’s in God’s plan and his will for you. And everything that happens to those kids is in Gods hands, and I trust that they will be prosperous in life. They have just as much of a chance as anyone else, if not more, because those kids love Jesus more than I have seen in so many people that have a huge building to go to every Sunday. They worship with everything they have, and they praise him in the midst of tragedy.

I have come to realize that is is God who controls, and give opportunities. It is nothing we as humans can do. This brings me peace.

I can’t see myself not being sad about leaving anytime soon, but I know my God heals and he will bring light from the darkness I feel inside. This gives me rest.

All the love,

Margo