I’ve been wanting to write a blog for a while now, I’ve been waiting for only one thing. An epiphany. I’ve been waiting for this deep sense of discovery that I could write about and people would read it and walk away with the sense that I’ve grown in remarkable ways and that I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be. Well, I don’t have anything fancy to write about. And that’s okay. I’ve been so desperate for the instant gratification of seeing the results of my work here in Thailand. It exhausts me when I think about the idea that I may never feel like I did anything here until I reach heaven. That’s just the way it goes sometimes, and I need to find peace with that.
Over our weeks in Thailand we put on a series of English camps for students in the schools around where we are staying. The camps ran on Wednesdays and Thursdays and each week we would move to a new school. Which means that we had two days to build a relationship with the kids, teach them English, and find a space where we could share a Bible story or the Gospel story with them. Needless to say it’s quite discouraging to walk in a room and meet kids for the first time, looking into their eyes seeing a desperate plead for love, and then walking away after two days with them staring at you the same way.
Did I do enough? What more could I have done for them? I gave them my 100% for the two days I was with them, but for goodness sakes I can’t even remember the name of the little boy who clung to me for both days straight.
People always talk about the beauty of seed planting and no one ever acknowledges the sadness and discouragement it brings. At the end of the day we all wonder if we’re doing anything at all, and I think that’s okay, to wonder. But to dwell in the uncertainty that God is at work, that is where Satan sends his lies. To become bitter and frustrated, trapping yourself into a box of what was suppose to happen when you know in your head that God works so much better with you out of the box – that’s problematic.
The difficulty comes when you need to drive what you know in your head, to your heart. Trust that God is at work and know that you are pouring out all that you are and using the gifts God has placed into you at full capacity.
Lord fill me up so I can pour out all that I am for your glory.
Oh but it’s so exhausting. 100% everyday. Staring into those faces. Walking away after a few days with them. Hoping and praying for the best.
How can I find peace? How can I allow myself to do that?
The chaos of my mind trying to find a solution leaves no room for Jesus to refresh my spirit.
He needs me to seek Him in a quiet place.
But even in the quiet my mind is loud.
Be still my heart.
Seek.
Listen.
“Be patient. Beloved.
I am here.”
Oh how I love you Jesus.
Love,
Brianna
