The past week or so I have been so nervous about coming home. Not because of another flight, or because of the changes. I’ve been afraid of talking to people.
Before I came to India, I told at least 300 people about my trip, in person- not counting social media. So basically everyone knew I was going halfway across the world to India to serve on a mission trip.
Stereotype of a missionary: heal a lot of people, see a lot of people saved, see a lot of miracles.
Am I right, or am I right?
Okay, so, how the heck am I supposed to live up to that?! This has been running through my mind for the past 2 weeks.
Why?
Because I haven’t seen any of that.
What goes through my mind next?
I return home, I speak at the churches where I’ve been asked to come, I talk to people face to face, I post on social media. What’s wrong? I don’t have a “big story.”
What am I supposed to say?
Are people going to be disappointed in me?
Are people going to lose faith in me?
Are people going to regret supporting me?
Everyone else has a story to bring home.
No one else is struggling with this, God why are you keeping yourself from me?!
I have let the devil smash those buttons for the past two weeks until the paint has worn off.
On Sunday, June 26, we went to Life Cafe for evening worship. During the worship, the leader was singing and praying to The Lord. I was so desperate for contact. I was so desperate for the Holy Spirit to engulf me. I was so desperate for God to throw something in my lap so I could have a big story to bring home. I was yelling at God in my mind that He wasn’t being fair, and that He brought me here so He should show me why. Everyone else has life changing revelations to share! Why don’t I, God? I was praying, and I opened my eyes, raised my head, and looked out the front door to the breathtaking view of his marvelous works. Enormous sun-kissed mountains with a backdrop of clear blue sky dotted with white whips of cloud.
It was in that moment the Lord said to me, “You don’t need a big story. You have a God that’s bigger– That’s all you need. I created those mountains, and I can move them if I wanted to. But I don’t have to for you to know that I can. Just like you don’t have to see healings or miracles right in the moment to know that they are happening.”
WHY AM I SO SELF-CENTERED?
WHY AM I SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT OTHERS ARE DOING?
WHY CAN’T I JUST FOCUS ON WHAT GOD IS DOING IN ME?
Why couldn’t I see that God had healed ME, in more ways than one, in just 4 weeks?
Why couldn’t I see that even though all 500 kids at our VBS’ didn’t get saved, that I should have asked and would know that 20 of the sweet, previous, adorable children accepted Jesus as their savior?!
HELLO, SHOUTING HALLELUJAH FROM THE ROOFTOP!!
…Sometimes I don’t understand how I’m fit for this. Then I realize: HA, I’m not.
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called…
Dear reader, just a few things I think we should all remember.
1.) be glad God still loves us, even we are throwing tantrums when we don’t get our way
2.) sometimes the healings happen in ourselves when God sends us somewhere crazy out of the way just to get our attention
3.) Just because it doesn’t happen right in that moment, doesn’t mean God can’t, and won’t do it.
To those who are in ministry now and are worried about re-entry, and not having an “evangelistic story” to bring home:
You don’t have to have a miraculous story of healings.
You don’t have to have a 3 hour revelation of community salvation to bring home.
All you have to do is listen to the whisper, just like Elijah.
“And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.And it was so, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, there came a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?” (1 Kings 19:11-13)
So, my awesome reader who is still hanging in there, I don’t have a “big story” like a famous evangelist you know. I have a story, and it has a BIG God in it, so you could say it’s a pretty big story!
As we are halfway home in the Frankfurt airport, I am so excited to be home. Leaving my family in India was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever encountered. However, I am excited to share the good news, and to see my loved ones at home.
We are called to spread to the gospel to every nation.
We are called to share the good news. The good news is what God is doing not only through us, but IN us as well.
Way up feeling blessed,
Kristen
