In Over My Head

In Over My Head//Bethel Music excerpt:

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
It makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head

My team and I are in Phuket for the remainder of our journey together. Phuket is a beautiful, but morally broken island town in southern Thailand which attracts many party goers and sex tourists. A part of our ministry is working with bar girls and building relationships with them so we can show them their true value in Christ. Because of this, it’s normal for us to be out doing ministry past midnight. This means we get early afternoons free to nap before we go out for ministry. But since it’s our only free time, I often find myself walking to the beach instead.
I’ve always felt super comfortable in the ocean, for years it has been my anchor of faith. It’s calm, yet dangerous! It’s peaceful, yet inexplicable! It’s a beautiful, mysterious contradiction. And it reminds me of God in every way. Today when two of my teammates and I were unpacking our things before getting in the water, Megan asked me what a rip current was. I was flattered she asked me! I wanted to answer all the questions about the ocean. I told her that a rip current is a channeled current that pulls you out into the sea, and how imperative it is that you swim parallel to the shore if you ever get caught in one. (Fun fact: rip currents move up to eight feet per second and they can move faster than an Olympic swimmer! Yowza!) Jenna H., Megan, and I went into the water up to our waists. Jenna H. said out loud how strong the current felt. I didn’t think much of it because I could still touch the sea floor. A wave came and immediately Megan shouted that she was in a current. I urged her to swim parallel to shore, saying calmly that it’s going to be okay. I started swimming alongside her, and when overhead breakers came I shouted “jump!” With fear in her voice and in between gasps for air she said “I can’t touch!” I grabbed her waist and tried lifting her up above the breakers. As soon as I tried lifting her, my head went under and I realized I couldn’t touch anymore; I was caught in the current myself. Megan screamed and I tried holding her up by her swimsuit straps, but I was of no help. I wasn’t strong enough to pull her, swim, and stay above surface at the same time. I heard cries for help behind me and I looked back to see a couple drowning with their hands up…screaming desperately. I thought my friend and the two people behind us were going to drown. I wanted to save everyone but I was physically incapable. I was running out of stamina, I began to drown. I finally realized I couldn’t save Megan or the people behind me, I needed to help myself first. Between crashing waves higher than my head, I spotted a group of young men. I took a deep breath, swam to the surface and screamed for help. I didn’t even know if they spoke English! They didn’t come to me. They waved their hands so I’d swim to them but it was impossible. The current was too strong and I was witnessing my friend drown. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save the couple. I was in over my head. Being in a foreign country, I didn’t think a lifeguard would come. I screamed as loud as I could, this time with rage because no one was coming due to the bystander effect. “HELP!” We were DROWNING! Four of us, caught in a raging current of the unfamiliar Andaman sea.
I couldn’t hear the screams anymore. I was searching for a savior. In the distance I saw a lifeguard coming out to rescue us but the shore was far away. He rescued the couple behind us first, I hollered at Megan to grab the board. As she pulled herself up to the board she was choking on water. With my back to the waves, I was pulled under unknowingly and wasn’t able to gasp for air. I was so deep under that I couldn’t find the surface. In this moment I thought I was going to drowned. I was so humbled by the power of God. I realized I couldn’t do this on my own. The waves that brought me so much joy on days surfing with Joshua, so much peace in times of angst, were now pulling me under with so much force that I was trapped in darkness under the breakers. There was so much fear in me that as soon as I reached the surface, I dove for the board. Megan and I were finally free from the rip current. As we were being pulled to the shore I was so upset that my favorite piece of nature was traumatizing people before my eyes. I pulled Megan’s hair back and blocked the breakers from crashing on her again. It was easy for me to forgive the ocean. In a state of shock, Megan and I sat on the shore and didn’t talk. We cried and we prayed thanking God for watching over us. I told God that I didn’t know where He was in all of that, I didn’t feel Him. I asked Him what he wants to show me from that experience. As I sat in the sand surrounded by mountainous land and ferocious waves, I was humbled. I thought I could save my friend because of my comfortability with the ocean. I thought I could fight the rip current because I had wisdom about beach safety back home. In an effort to save others, I ended up drowning. I drowned in my pride and was humbled as I was pulled beneath the surface, in over my head. Psalm 139 says… Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
I know that God was with me. And I know that He was teaching me a lesson of humility. He was also showing me another side of Him, the side that is of such high knowledge I cannot attain it. The side that is so powerful I will drown in His strength until I learn to humble myself and fear Him.
Proverbs 31:30 says…charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
An excerpt from Christianity Today:
“To fear God is to realize he poses an ominous threat to my ego, but not to me. He rescues me from delusions and lies in my head, so that he may reveal the truth that sets me free! He casts me down, only to lift me up again. He sits in judgement of my sin, but forgives me nevertheless. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but the love from the Lord is it’s completion.”
Today I saw Gods power, sovereignty, and the mystery of His creations through a near death experience. But even in the uttermost parts of the sea, He was holding Megan and I in His right hand. Today I fear God because I know how sovereign He is. I have peace because I am both unconditionally loved and protected through that fear. I am complete in my identity of being in over my head. Because I will always be drowning in the sovereignty of the Lord.