God’s miracle right in front of me

So yes it is true I have failed pretty miserably when it comes top updating my blog or any of my social media platforms. I wish I could say that I had an amazing reason why I have been absent but alas I do not. As I have finally settled into this new style of living I can say that each week there will be a new blog post updating you all lovely people on my misadventures across the ocean. It took awhile to get fully adjusted but I feel like I am home in the city that I am staying with and surrounded by family with the ones that I am living with. After a slightly rocky start I have come to some solid ground and solid people to keep me stable. With such stability I can now have the joy of writing to you all of a more frequent occasion to keep you all updated on my life. It is hard to believe that I have been gone at this point for over two weeks and in some ways it feels like I have been here forever but then again there are moments that seem to stand still. If I can be honest these past few weeks have not gone the way that I anticipated at all. If I can be completely honest at times I had began to question why God chose this specific season to finally send me across the seas.

For those who even know me vaguely would know that for years I have struggled with anxiety. Last year in an encounter with the Holy Spirit, God lifted my burden of anxiety off of my shoulders. Even after a few months I felt like I was still healing from a tumultuous last year. It was in that season that God chose to finally send me into the mission field. Fast forward to the past few weeks that I have been in India.
We are studying alongside students at a worship school and for a reason unbeknownst to me, I have had a panic attack in every single class. The latest one being the worst one I have had in over a year. I sat in my room beginning to question so many things. “Why had God sent me now- in a time that I felt the least prepared? Why was I even having these anxiety attacks to begin with?” As these questions along with many others slithered through my mind a single voice spoke to me silently. The voice steadied my breathing but I still felt empty. Felt absolute nothingness. A year ago I would have turned to other things to feel something-anything; but that day I whispered back to God to show me something amazing- to fill me with wonder. I think that I tried to ignore the voice at first but then I heard that still small voice whisper, “You are in India. Are you not? Isn’t that miracle/wonder enough?” I pondered over the words for the rest of the day and am still.

Still I was questioning the reason why God chose now to send me to the other side of the world when I truly just wanted to stay in my comforts to heal in my own way. When that crossed my mind a dawning realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I was/am in such a broken place when I left for this trip. If I had stayed home- I might have been able to heal but i could have healed in a deformed way like a broken bone not set back and put into a splint. When I had gotten here I had already healed partially but in a way that was leaving me twisted. When I laid down my life for this trip God broke me once more. For to fix a deformed bone it has to break again to grow back properly. These anxious feelings, the weird feeling in my souls, and panic attacks are all of the emotions the deformity in me kept out. My team leader had even said that day that I was asking God to feel again for him to break down all of my walls, and here he was doing just that. I had said jokingly that these were not the emotions that I had asked God to feel. Though to feel Godly joy one needs to know what the absence of said joy feels like. It is so hard feeling the things that I am feeling, the return of anxious emotions but if this is what it takes for God to heal me properly than I will say BRING IT ON! I know it will be hard and painful at times but I can see the wonderful person at the end of the tunnel. The person God is wanting for me to become. In the hard moments, in the panic attacks I know God will show me his wonders. Remind me of the miraculous things that are right in front of me. I know that me being here is a miracle, living a month in a country which holds my heart. What an amazing miraculous gift it is that God chose to heal me in a place where I instantly feel at home; a place that fills me with such peace. In a place where I was praying for God to use me to help heal brokenness- this place where God decided to heal my own. I still do not know what God wants me to do here, but I finally now why I am here; and with that truth known I am at peace with it all.