When This Is Nothing What You Wanted

Saying yes to this trip was something that I did out of an extremely small ounce of faith. I did not want to leave my life at home. Home has all the people I love, the things I love to do, and the place where I feel safe. However, I decided to say yes to the road less traveled. Leading up to the trip, I never thought about the fact I was actually leaving. I avoided thinking about it by filling my time with work, friends, family, and any sort of distraction I could find. Did I realize that at the time? No. Do I realize this now? Yes.

Training camp started off rough. I did not want to be there because I missed my people at home. However, through having three intense days of diving into what God says, I came to peace about leaving. I was actually becoming excited about what God has in store for the next three months!

Now fast forward to adjusting to life in Cambodia. It is hard and I don’t like it. I am jet lagged, tired, and always hot. So here is the story:

Our first night sleeping in Cambodia was rough. I slept for probably two hours because of the muggy heat, the singing roosters, and the hundreds of mosquitos trapped in our mosquito net. Due to all these factors, I became overwhelmed and let it all out through tears. I knew I was not over God asking me to leave. I was mad that he called me here. I was ready to book a plane ticket home and leave that next morning.

My mind was telling me to stay because it would be stupid to fly home after not even being here 24 hours. My emotions were saying go home because thats what I want. My spirit and heart were quiet. I wasn’t allowing God to speak to me because I knew what I wanted.

Luckily my leader and team allowed me to rest and process through everything that next day. It took many hours of crying, talking to my leader, and talking to people back at home. Through that time I heard some of the best advice yet. For example, someone told me “emotions are welcomed at the table, but they are not the head of the table.” Once I heard that I realized its okay for me to be mad at God, but my emotions do not get to call the shots. So I decided I needed time to dive into the word and really examine why I feel this way.

Although I am still working at feeling peace through this time in my life, I have realized one very important thing. I can no longer run away from my problems. When problems arise at home I am so easy to run away to any distraction I can find, whether that be work, people, hobbies, etc. Living in the U.S. I really don’t need God for basic needs. I am not worried where my food, water, clothing, or shelter is coming from, so those feelings float over into everyday life. I think I don’t need God to help me with everyday life. However, now that all my comforts of home are stripped away, I have no where else to turn except him. I can’t run away anymore, I need to face the problem head on. How do I do that? I have absolutely no idea, but I do know that if I really dive into God’s word and keep him the focus, he will teach me. I also believe he will show me more than I can imagine and that when it is time to go home, I will be equipped with more wisdom and a new love for him. However, in order for that to happen, I need to stay. I need to push in to what he showing me and live each day on its own without looking at the next three months as whole.

I belive he has got me and he is leading me step by step.

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