Bold. The literal definition according to the dictionary is “showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous.” But what does it mean to be spiritually bold?
Before leaving for this trip I would have told you that spiritual boldness means stepping out of your comfort zone, and duh I could totally do that. Jesus is my strength, am I right? Well yes, of course, I would never say that He wasn’t; but what I will question is my ability to trust that I have the authority to step out in boldness because of what HE has given me.
Until we got to Skopje, I was under the impression that trusting God was easy. Evangelizing was just talking to people about Christ in a super casual setting, and that because I am a daughter of the Lord (and look super non-threatening) that they would at least, maybe, possibly listen; but then you mix in a few categories of things that can occur:
- A language barrier, a cultural barrier, and the heart of someone that has been so hardened by lies that they totally disregard you.
- The enemy taking hold of the tiny cracks in your shield (insecurities) and shoving lies into the cracks.
The latter is what I experienced at the beginning of this past week. On a normal day, I would describe myself as pretty outgoing, bubbly, joyful and an overall peaceful person–on a normal day. The past few days, and actually the whole week, have not been normal days.
On the first day we were supposed to go out and do ministry, (aka: outreach) I was so overcome with the feeling that my stomach was going to escape my throat and was so anxious and scared that I had a low-key panic attack. That morning I was so overcome by the feelings of my flesh that I barely spoke to anyone, and my team leader had to sit with me before we left and spoke some brutal honest truth over me in order to get me to get up off my teammates bed. Everything in my body told me to not get off the bed. But after hearing Michelle’s truth, I decided to give GOD a shot, and got up off the bed. I conquered that days demons and handed out one single flier (or as Chelle would put it, I gave the enemy a good punch to the shoulder). Now, it may have just been one flier, but the fact that I actually stepped out of my comfort zone is something that I am proud of– it is a victory.
“The wicked flee when no one is pursuing them, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” Proverbs 28:1 CSB
I prayed that night that the Lord would give me boldness. That He would give me the courage to yet again step out of my comfort zone in order to reach those that had not yet been reached. In Acts 4 verses 29-31 the disciples prayed for boldness, and as a result the place where they were assembled was shaken, they were filled with the Holy Spirit, and they began to speak the word of God boldly. The day this happened was a Monday, and four days later I was given another chance.
See, the funny thing about God is that he doesn’t just bestow boldness or courage upon you. It’s not just a moment during quiet time where He is just like “Oh Maddie I got you a present, open it! Hint: it’s courage and boldness.” HECK NO PEEPS. Our God is a God of opportunity. He gives us the OPPORTUNITY to step out in faith and in trust and as a result we grow to be courageous and we enter into boldness. As some of you may know, I help lead worship at Cal Poly. I started leading when I was in seventh grade at my home church, and it has been apart of my life ever since.
Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Yes? No? Okay well if you’re apart of the ‘No’ group let me shed some light:
Friday’s ministry was to be worship, with an amp and a microphone, in the city square.
Let me emphasize that again. WORSHIP in the CITY SQUARE. You guys. I just about died when our host told us this on Thursday night; and no it was not of excitement. I was terrified. I was in a foreign country, a foreign culture, and was going to be placing myself in a position to share one of the ways that I share the most intimacy with God. I had never done worship in such a public setting before, and frankly, it felt kind of weird. And I’m gonna get deep with y’all real quick and say that one of the reasons that I stopped worship team my senior year of high-school was because I was struggling with some pride issues– I wanted to make sure that I was doing it for the right reasons.
Naturally I went to Michelle; and yet again, Michelle spoke some truth over the situation. What she said was that God doesn’t normally just have you go through something one time, especially when it comes to things that change or affect our character. She pointed out that maybe this was an opportunity for me to break through that struggle and use the situation to lead others towards Christ in a way that was close to my heart. So with guitar in hand, a nervous but hopeful heart, and a spirit eager to grow, I walked onto the battlefield.
The outcome was better than I had ever hoped or expected.
People gathered around the fountain in the middle of the square and watched from afar. My friend Daniel* (who is helping at the center) played my guitar for half a set while my teammate Julia and I sang; the gentle notes of the guitar echoed off of the far side of the square, the harmonies intertwined beautifully, and every strum of the strings brought more and more glory to God. I picked up the second half of the set and followed where the Spirit led.
*This is not his actual name, but for the purpose of protecting this ministry and those involved, I will not be sharing it.
By this point all nervousness or anxiety or fear or hesitation evaporated. I was with my God, showing a bunch of strangers in a foreign country and a foreign culture what it looks like to be in an intimate place with the Lord. Showing those who had never experienced Christ why I loved Him so dang much. I was courageous, and I was entering boldness– just as the Lord had planned.
I know that this is only the beginning of my battle with these kinds of feelings; but now I am prepared and able to take one step at a time with the Lord and Spirit as my guide.
Until next time,
Maddie
