The past year of my life has been nothing short of wild. I went to India and Mongolia, I’m currently in Cambodia, and soon I’ll be in Thailand. I have met hundreds of people, prayed for most of them, learned “hello” and “Jesus loves you” in 3 different (soon to be 4) languages. I graduated with my masters degree, got my first “job”, quit my first job, drove across the country with my best friend. Laid on the beach in the same week I climbed a mountain. I lived in a city with public transportation for the first time. I rode camels, ate tarantulas and dog and scorpion. I spent too much money on brunch and good beer. I camped under the stars in the Gobi Desert, got my first big-girl car, and held countless babies and puppies…
But, when I look back on the year the first things that come to mind are not those things I just listed. What comes to mind is the heart-ache. The pain. The confusion and chaos. The sleepless nights. The tears. The questions. The doubt. The passionlessness. The pleas for help. The counseling sessions. The lowest of lows. The fighting, The grief. The crazy thoughts. The anxiety and depression.
My journals from the past year are ridden with anger and some of the pages are still stained with tears. I let Defeat win. I allowed my joy to be robbed; in fact, I think I handed it over the robber himself.
I have been stuck on this passage of scripture since I arrived in Cambodia:
“There’s an opportune time to do things,
a right time for everything on the earth.
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.”
Ecclesiastes 3:2-8 MSG
I am realizing (maybe for the first time) that life is about ups and downs. I wish that the “downs” of this past year had never happened. BUT, I think the downs are teaching me how to stay present. How to fight for the “ups” and how to take back what is mine.
As I sit here on one of our final days in Cambodia, I am in awe of how limitless my life with the Lord is. If you would have asked a month and a half ago where I would be today, I would stare at you blankly (secretly wishing I could hit you in the face,) and say “I dunno.” But, here I am. Leading 10 stellar college students in a journey of a lifetime. Cuddling a 6-year-old orphan who is sitting on my lap as he lists the letters as I type them (I’m so proud of your English, buddy!). It’s my time to reap, heal, laugh (and cry), cheer, love, hold on (and let go), mend, shut up (and speak up), and to wage war against the darkness in the world and my own life. My time to be present and to dream with God. And I am thankful. So. Dang. Thankful.
I don’t have this all figured out, but that’s where I am in this process.
On Monday we transition to another season. We will say goodbye to our Cambodian family, and meet our new family in Chiang Rai, Thailand.
Grace upon Grace abounds. Amen.
