Just under 2 weeks from the day I left home, and I have never felt so lost and found at the same time. It’s a bit odd to be on two different ends on the spectrum at once. Coming here, I thought I knew exactly who I was. I’ve never been so torn apart in my entire life, but as much as I hate to admit it, this is exactly what I needed, and God knew it all along.
Life was perfect before this trip. Unfortunately, there is a problem resting in perfection. Although I knew that I could never be perfect, I continued to strive for it. I would set new goals before old ones were met, and then I would beat myself up when I couldn’t reach one. Time after time, I let myself be convinced that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of love even though I knew that I was. After loading my plate with so much ”good food”, I didn’t realize that most of it was falling off. Every time something fell off, it was replaced with fear, and I was left in denial of my true identity. On this trip, though, something clicked.
After coming here, I eventually found myself beating myself up even for the little things that no one noticed. After finding hundreds of bugs in my bed the first night in the rainforest, I eventually began appreciating the life I was living so much more. While people had so little in their lives, they always seemed to have so much more to offer. On the other hand, I felt as though I had so much in my life, but had very little to offer. Through the limited time that I have had here, I have come to the painful understanding that life wasn’t perfect. As it turned out, I was missing the true values and meaning as to why I am here. I know that there is a long journey ahead of me, and there is peace in knowing that. In just a few more weeks, I’ll see even better things, and I’ve never been so happy to be scared.
