this is living

two nights ago, i was dancing to hillsong young and free in spanish with some of my new best friends after a church service. we were having the best time, jumping around, laughing, and worshipping a little undignified. i remember looking around and feeling God saying, “this is living. this is freedom. this is joy.”

that time i spent dancing with my sisters meant so much to me- even though to others (and maybe even my other teammates) it might have just been a silly moment that they won’t think twice about. i have struggled for years with insecurities, depression, temptations, and bad habits that i can’t seem to shake. i wrestle with the constant need for validation from those around me that causes me to always put on a false self. these are things that i have time and time again begged God to take from me; however, there were still parts of me that felt like i could do it on my own, or that even doubted i would ever be freed from those struggles. 

My faithful, loving, healing Father has released me from these things, and the little 3 song-long dance party i had with my sisters after the church service revealed that to me. The Lord has relentlessly pursued me this whole time. He has chased after me, telling me to surrender to Him. to give all of me. all my fears, all my insecurities, all my doubts. to trust Him and obey. and now i see the fruits of that painful surrender. He has shown me what living is- being the woman He created me to be and not apologizing for it or making myself smaller to fit into boxes i have created to please others. I know who i am now; i am a new creation, overflowing with joy and no longer ashamed.