mountain to valley

for months leading up to this trip, i’ve been begging and crying out to God that He would show Himself. that i would feel Him. that He would speak to me. I’ve wrestled with bitterness and apathy and even anger at my prayers not being answered. 

two weeks ago, we arrived in costa rica. the bus driver dropped us off at a beautiful building called “la casa de oración” near the top of a mountain. our time spent there was not what anyone expected. we stayed there for five days, serving the woman who lives there and assisting a man named Emmanuel by doing some landscaping work around the building. serving was so fun but several of our days ended early and resulted in a lot of free time. i began the week feeling frustrated. i felt like there was more we could’ve been doing- serving, exploring, even going out into the town to talk to people about Jesus. but God was showing me something different. He woke me up every morning, far earlier than my teammates to spend in quiet time with Him. He gave us free afternoons and evenings to listen to each other’s stories and learn what good, christian community feels like. 

After five days of being at the mountain, we were picked up by Jose, the missionary who runs a kids ministry in San Jose. we spent a few days in San Jose, doing children’s and youth services on that Saturday, then packed up our backpacks and left for the jungle of Talamanca on Sunday. i had some of the most difficult experiences of my life there. on Monday morning, we learned that we were going to cross the river that divides costa rica and panama to help a man on the panama side do some farm work. we had no idea how intense it was going to be. after crossing the river, we had a long hike up and around a muddy, slippery mountainside to get to the farm. upon arriving, we were split into two teams to do two different tasks. my team had to follow the farmer deep into the jungle, climbing more muddy slopes for almost an hour to reach the man’s bean plants. after pulling roots from the steep mountainside and putting the beans into a basket, we turned around and began the hike back. it was such a physically and emotionally draining trek- feeling off balance for hours at this point, getting half our legs stuck deep in the mud, feeling like we couldn’t take another step. when we finally got back and met up with the group, we had to pick up bushels of heavy bananas and walk the across the mud so that the men could take them to the river to be sold. we finally thought we were done and ready to head back, but then we were told we still had an hour of work left. in that moment my heart dropped- i felt like i physically couldn’t do anything else. we followed the men back into the jungle and got into groups of about five to carry heavy logs back out of the jungle near the man’s house. carrying that log through the mud and over roots and fallen trees, especially after being burnt out physically from our other tasks from the day, was so stressful and scary. when we finally got there and walked back to the boats to go across the river, i got time to reflect on the day. it burnt us out and made us want to give up and cry again and again. i felt like there were several points where i couldn’t go any further- the mud was too slippery and i’d fall or i’d lose my balance and drop the bananas. so many fears and negative thoughts were running through my mind but the voice that was clearer than all the rest kept saying “talk to me. i will protect you. i will give you strength when you feel like you have none left.” 

the thing that i have been taught since arriving in costa rica is that God’s answers to prayers are nothing like we expect. it’s something i’ve known and been taught but i’ve finally been able to truly understand it and accept it. the Lord has taken my expectations of this mission trip and turned them upside down and inside out. we came here expecting to do children’s ministry and we’ve done almost everything but that. but what i’m starting to realize is that maybe this is what we needed. maybe we needed solitude and stillness on the mountain to learn to spend time in His word and time listening for His voice. maybe we needed that time to be prompted to share our stories, burdens, and joys with our teammates and allow the Lord to show us the different parts of Him in each other. maybe we needed to be beat down and pushed to the end of our strength to learn that He is ultimately our strength and our provision. I can declare today with full confidence that my God is faithful to answer me in the mountains or the valleys. He’s faithful to guide me and speak to me in solitude or in moments spent with teammates. He’s been faithful to wrap me in His love and give me strength to face things I never could on my own… and He will do it again!