Lukewarm: only moderately warm; tepid

I know I have left you all in the dark this past month, but I didn’t know how to translate all of these experiences and emotions into words. For a better explanation… it’s been a roller coaster.

For all that don’t know, I felt a push to follow the Lord to Macedonia. At first it was a small tug and I honestly I didn’t understand why this would be something the Lord would call ME into. But then it became a reality when I arrived a month ago. I wanted to learn how to give it ALL to God. So buckle up friends, we’re about to go on a journey.

But first…let’s take a step back. Back home I knew Christ, and loved Him with my whole heart… or at least I thought I did. But I was angry. You see, my roots were planted deep, hidden by piles and piles of dirt. Dirt that kept getting pushed down. And instead of letting the Lord water my roots and make my soil soft, I didn’t let Him in. I only let Him touch the surface. I thought that, that was enough, and I could fight all my battles alone. But that’s the thing, I couldn’t. I broke more and more each time, and I felt it. But I didn’t completely break until about a week into this trip. The Lord shattered me into a million pieces. But that was the point.

 Are you still with me?

Good, cause boy do I have a story for you. 

Michelle. That’s her name. Our fearless leader, that’s what we like to call her. I’ve never met anyone like her. And honestly, words on a paper will never do her justice. She is the Godliest woman I have ever met… and guess what? She’s only 25. The reason I write this is because I believe the Lord talks to me through other people… I’ve never heard His voice or received strong images from Him directly. But He knows how to reach me by speaking through someone else. I’m not entirely sure why, and sometimes its frustrating…but hey it’s all part of His plan. But no one has ever reached me quite like Michelle. Oh just a quick insight. Michelle wasn’t originally supposed to lead the Macedonia trip. They assigned her kind of at the last minute. Coincidence? I think not

 Alright back to the point…

The first week we arrived God decided to make it known of why He called me here, or at least one reason…and I didn’t realize it fully until a few days ago. I was wrecked by a constant theme of “leave it all at the cross.” It all started with Michelle. One night during team-time we were all praying and she stood up and started preaching, unrehearsed, unexpected, uncalled for. And I’m going to be completely honest, I wanted to punch her in the face.

She was talking to me.

God was talking to me.

And it was that moment the Lord shattered my pride, my strength, my life, and myself as a whole.

Time to connect the dots.

Remember when I said I thought I loved Christ with my whole heart? Well I had just figured out that that was a lie. I was too full of bitterness, anger, and negativity to let love in. And all of that had just been shattered, at the right moment, so that I could let God piece me back together. My pastor back home told me a few times that God is never late, nor is He ever early… He is always right on time. It may not be our timing, but our timing doesn’t matter, His will always be greater.

So before I can blog about how God is using me in Macedonia, I needed you all to understand that I am in fact broken. I am not the perfect missionary, but God has a perfect plan for me. I have realized the Lord called me 6000 miles away from home so that He could remold me. So that He could use my team and I in ways that I may never understand; and that’s okay. I might need Macedonia more than Macedonia needs me.

So I should explain the title. I have come to learn that my relationship with the Lord was lukewarm. Instead of a fiery love, I just let myself become content with a relationship that was just barely touching the surface. The Lord has lit a flame in my soul that I will no longer ignore. Lukewarm is not good enough because He died so I could live.

I have some homework for you guys, take ten minutes of your day to listen to “Good Good Father” because it has wrecked me (in the best way possible).

I am in awe of my heavenly father.

Thanks for taking these first steps with me,

Amanda