Before I left California for this missions trip, I asked God to change me on this mission. At training camp in Gainesville, I remember singing a song about God changing us the way He wanted to change us. The lady singing on the keyboard reminded us how bold of a prayer we were singing. For some reason, I didn’t think too much of it. I guess I assumed that God would tweak me a little, make me more eager to share the gospel, something like that.
But I was wrong. Being honest, this time has been some of the most uncomfortable days in my life. It seems like the floor has been ripped out from below me. If I ever felt like this back home, I had many people and things to lean on. I could call my friends from church and they wouldn’t hesitate to call or drive and see me. My family would give up anything to make sure that I’m okay. I could go to my starbucks and talk to my co workers. If nothing else, I could go home and sit in my room and have some time to myself.
But this is NOT what God wants. Throughout the Bible, God constantly reminds His people to rely completely on Him. The psalmists cry out to the Lord, declaring that God alone is our rock and our refuge. God always intended for the pinnacle of his creation, humanity, to be in close and intimate relationship with Himself. The truth is, I had constructed many idols in my life back home that obstructed this relationship with God. Even good things that God gave me I turned into idols that I run to instead of God. But here in Cambodia, I can’t turn to any of them. I can only turn to God, the one who promises to never leave us nor forsake us.
These days have been some of the closest I’ve ever felt to Jesus. My night prayers with Jesus are some of the best I’ve had in years. I’m yearning for His presence and guidance more than I’ve had in a long time. And it’s because whether I’m in Cambodia, Thailand, America, or Qatar, He is the only thing that matters. God is amazing. It has hurt me and cut me to the core, but God exposing my idols has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I feel like that’s the way all the life changing stuff feels like at first. Thank you Father, for reminding me what truly matters. Apart from you, we can do nothing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
