Identity Crisis

I arrived at training camp Thursday afternoon, nervous, anxious, excited to see what God had in store for my team and I during the next few days of intense learning and understanding each other. 

I had been praying for my team to be loving, growing, honest, kind, uplifting, real, and more than anything else: unified. I knew that I was going to go into this trip with a lot of doubts about myself and my ability to do ministry well. I fear large groups of people that I don’t know because I have a hard time opening up. I fear not being seen or heard – not because I am crying out for attention and not receiving it, but because I am so good at hiding my emotions; I can put on a face even when I’m so insecure to make people think I’m all good in the hood. I didn’t want this trip to be like that. I wanted to be able to be open, to share my story without judgement, to feel known and understood without having to explain how I feel. I missed some of my best friends who could just sense that in me. I wanted teammates who would give me attention and affirmation without me asking for it so that I could feel secure in myself. 

Funny enough, God didn’t provide instant connections where I felt I could fully be myself or where people just GET me. And I struggled a lot with that the first night – why does it seem like everyone else has already found their new best friend? Everyone but me? 

During worship I began realizing exactly how ridiculous my expectations of my teammates were. I was basically asking them to read my mind after knowing me for 5 HOURS!! *eye roll* It is so unfair for me to expect that of them, in 5 hours or in 3 weeks! I was looking for affirmation from them so I could feel secure in MYSELF when what I really needed was for God to show my that my identity is found in him. I was trying to fill a gap that only God could fill in me. 

I always struggle on mission trips with this thing called identity. You think you have it figured out, “my identity is in Christ” – yeah, but do I REALLY understand what that means for my life? I think it’s a continual learning process, but I sure as heck learned a lot about it a few nights ago. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “If anyone is in Christ, they are a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” I AM A NEW CREATION. Whatever my past holds, he no longer holds over me. Whatever I lack, Jesus fills the gap. Whatever I fear – rejection from my team, being incapable, being the weak link – God is infinitely greater and more powerful. John 1:12 says, “yet whoever did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” I AM A CHILD OF GOD!! I am loved and held by the Most High God, the Creator of the universe! How can I fear not being accepted by my teammates when I am accepted by the King of Kings? Why do I put the approval of humans above the approval of the Lord God? During worship, I began to fully experience what it’s like to be a child of God. It looks like feeling like an epic failure but realizing that God still wants you as His own and to work through you for the Kingdom. It looks like standing in a room full of people and not having doubts flood your mind about whether you are liked or appreciated or known by them, but knowing you are all of those by God. It looks like having no fear in your ability because you know that God has given you abilities beyond your imagination as a result of the Holy Spirit in you. It looks like trusting that others love you and not reading into them not having talked to you in the last 10 seconds *gasp*. It looks like leaning into your strengths and gifts and talents and passions and using those to bring GOD glory, NOT YOURSELF. It is a much more satisfying way to live. Much purer than living to have other people identify you with the amount of affection they give you. Yes, it’s great to receive encouragement (and man, have I experienced a lot of that this week), but learning how to not base my worth off of those words and interactions from others is a skill I want to develop while I am in Thailand. I want those words of encouragement to build my confidence in ways I can serve the Lord and bring even more glory to him, not to myself. 

That night during worship I chose to surrender my identity to Him. That doesn’t mean I won’t still feel the tug of comparison or shrink back in fear from something because I am afraid I’m not capable. But I hope that telling others this decision will help keep me accountable to keep growing in it. I hope to be more dependent on who God says I am than who other people say I am. 

God has answered my prayer for unity and all of the other qualities in my team far better than I could have imagined. I wasn’t able to realize this until I realized that I was finding my identity in THEM rather than HIM. And it is impossible to find unity amongst a bunch of girls who are trying to define themselves by what others think of them. Yesterday morning our team discussed some ideas and values we wanted to be part of our team. All of the qualities I had been praying about were named and HAVE ALREADY BEEN ENACTED. I see unity amongst us because we all have the same hope – to make Jesus known throughout Ratchaburi, Thailand. I have seen honesty in the ways we have started sharing our testimonies. I have seen kindness and encouragement beyond what I could ever have imagined. I kid you not, I haven’t heard one single negative comment about ANYONE in the slightest the entire 36 hours that we have spent together. Not only has it not been negative, each of my teammates is extremely uplifting and is not afraid to speak up and tell someone that they’re doing something well, or that they are beautiful, or capable, or that they see God in them. 

So although these girls still aren’t my best friends and may never be, I am still able to feel confident, cared for and appreciated around them simply because my identity first comes from finding it in Jesus. 

Since surrendering this over, I have been so much more joyful, so much more focused on the mission of our trip, focused on encouraging and building up others instead of how I can be filled by others. My heart has broken thinking about all of the injustice we are about to encounter and all of the people who don’t know what it is like to find their hope and identity in Christ in Thailand. I cannot wait to see how he uses our unified team to reach the hurting and to love people like Jesus first loved us.