Hold on to his voice

Back in December I did a Sozo session in Redding, California at Bethel Church. Sozo is the Greek word for saved,healed,delivered. Sozo is an inner healing ministry. In the session we prayed into distortions I have about myself.  Being in recovery from an eating disorder, worthiness and self image are things I have battled with for a long time. In the Sozo session the Lord told me that “freedom is being fully present with the children in Africa”. This is a promise I clung to months before the trip when the enemy tried to convince me that I would be distracted-that I would mentally miss the entire trip by thinking about other things, i.e. obsessing about the things i don’t like about myself, and completely missing the message of God’s grace. 

Leaving Swaziland we had a 16 hour bus ride to get to Jeffrey’s Bay, South Africa. Let me tell you, that is an awful long time to sit with yourself and think.  I started getting into a shame cycle of focusing on all the times in Swaziland that I did think about my body image, the times i wasn’t present, and I condemned myself for my imperfections. Which is when the Lord told me, My promise was never “you will not struggle”. I told you that freedom means being fully present with the children.  That is when he highlighted all the little faces who I deeply miss already- Natz,Apiweh,Akone,Melo, and so many more. He showed me the sweet little moments where I was completely present with them. How i loved them deeply, how I was able to see the each child in front of me, without any distraction. How he tore every fiber of my heart apart to gift me with a larger heart. A heart that can hold more love, and give more love, a heart more compassionate, more like His.

Yes, there are moments of weakness where I think about the lies of the enemy, that I feel stuck. These moments will never hold more power or truth than the Lord’s words, and promises.  And the Lord is faithful and always pierces his truth and presence into me when I need it most.