Departing to Serve: “God, Why Me?”

Let’s start at the beginning: Training Camp. “Uplifting” is the only word I really can use describe it. It went by so fast. I met what I believe will be some of my closest friends throughout life. All in just four short days. Crazy.

 

When Training Camp began I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Leaving home, I felt so much emotion saying my goodbyes, but on the plane here all I could think was, “Is this real? Am I really doing this? Why?” I felt like I knew all this time, but as I land in Atlanta I really couldn’t think of one. I met my team at the airport, and still I found myself asking the question, “Why?”  I still knew God was moving and growing our teams from months of group chats to hours of bonding in a crunched corner of an airport. It was like God hand-picked all of us perfectly. Crazy.

Team 2 Thailand/Cambodia Guys

Day one of Passport Training Camp goes by, and I’m asking God “Why am I here. What’s my purpose, Father? Can you tell me? Give me a sign, a voice, a reason, something, ANYTHING PLEASE.” Unsurprisingly, I received no answer on day one. Day two the same can be said, though this day I really grew to love my team. We mesh so well together, an equal balance of three guys, three girls, and one amazing leader to guide us. Worship was wonderful to end day one, and the speaker, an incredibly wise and fruitful man by the name of Deon, spoke straight to my heart. He gave a message of the power inside of us through the Holy Spirit, God within us. When only moments before I had been reading a book written by a Buddhist monk wherein the monk writes about the supernatural power he saw through certain Christians, the power of the Holy Spirit. Crazy.

 

Yet, even on such an amazing day two I left Deon’s message BEGGING God for an answer. I know He could hear me. I know He was with me in all things, that’s what my testimony is all about! I’m constantly reminded of Isaiah 41 at Training Camp. I go there so often my bible opens directly to it every time without trying. It’s the scripture that saved my life, I know it like the back of my hand… because, well, the tattoo on the back of my hand literally stems from this scripture. Verse 10 “Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.” I’ve read that about every two minutes this week. What purpose does it serve now, I wonder? Crazy.

 

Day three. I’m still asking the Lord “why.” Isaiah 41:10 resounds in my mind, like a ticking time bomb the ticks won’t stop but the bomb still won’t go off. I keep praying to God with no reply, but I’m enjoying Training Camp too much to worry on this day. I met new brothers, sisters, and mentors in Christ. Deon spoke again, this time about healing and the power of God. I’m amazed at the testimonies he gives; Deon is a true man of God. Deon uplifted my faith and filled me with the spirit through his messages. Psalm 23 comes to my mind this night. Truly, God must be speaking to me. I pray again, “Why am I here, Papa? What can I offer that these people already here cannot? What am I to do? Why, God?” Still, the Lord is silent. As Psalm 23 comes to my mind I focus on the words ‘don’t fear; I am with you’, God is trying to speak and my prayers are heard. Crazy.

 

The final full day in America, and our last day of Training Camp ‘flew’ by so fast (I write as we’re now five hours into our international flight to Qatar) and I wish it would’ve slowed down. There were so many hearts and stories I didn’t get to hear, so many brothers and sisters in Christ that I wanted to love on but never got the chance. So many leaders and speakers I meant to thank, yet never found the opportunity or courage. The final night comes with a worship finale, I knew it would be great and it was greater still. Before worship began I prayed, “God, I’m here. I’m giving my all to you. I’m going on this trip whether you answer me or not. I’m going to serve your Kingdom. All I want to know is why me? Why am I going God? Why do I go at all?”

Immediately, and boy do I mean immediately, as I finished God replied. In the most resounding and unmistakable voice I’ve ever heard God spoke…

“You will save.”

Three words. Three amazingly powerful words. Crazy.

 

I sucked in those tears as the first song came to a long close. God spoke to me. He didn’t say how I would save. He didn’t tell me what I will do to save. He never mentioned where I will save. He didn’t even comment on who I will save. He simply said, “You will save.” That’s all I needed to know.

Isaiah 41, Psalm 23, Matthew 10, Romans 1:16, John 16, Acts 9, and several more all revolved in my mind. The ticking bomb finally going off as though I knew the color of the fireworks before they exploded. I rest assured in my ministry; I sit still like a pool of water undisturbed, for I know I will save.

My spirit filled to the fullest, my cup overflows. I am confident in my faith, ashamed nevermore. God is with me and the Kingdom is at hand therefore I fear not the demons that continue to assault my being, not the naysayers and weird looks, and not the worries of this world for God has taken that all away from me now and I’m filled with the Spirit.

My prayer now is for God to speak through me, to give me courage to move when He tells me to move. I’m going to save. I’m going to find someone who is lost. Will it be in Thailand, or in Cambodia? I don’t know, but God does. Will it be on this trip? I don’t know, but God does. Why has God sent me to serve His Kingdom? That I do know: He sent me to save. Crazy? I believe not, for when it comes to God it’s not ‘crazy’ but rather it’s ‘amazing’.

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