I was baptized for the first time at the age of seven… I remember being dunked in the “big hot bath tub” at church, my family being at church to witness it, getting a necklace in the shape of a cross, and eating cake to celebrate. I learned about what baptism meant… I heard the words “buried with him in baptism, and raised to walk in newness of life…” but at the age of seven, I didn’t know what trials, temptations, pain, and hurt would look like. I knew nothing of pain… I was very blessed and never had to worry about anything, besides the clothes I would wear for the day or what game I’d play with my friends. I loved God, I went to church every Sunday… attended youth group every Sunday night… I went to Awana, Vacation Bible School, super summer camp… I helped in the nursery… I did everything God wanted me to do… but I missed the point… God loves it when we serve, but He wants to have a relationship with Him.
Fast forward to my sophomore year of college… I was being filled with validation from my friends and boys… and guess what? They let me down, over and over again. I was in so much pain when I first transferred to CMU. I was lost and broken… I wanted to be accepted so badly…
When I was younger, as a strong Christian with great influences, I would say “I’m never gonna be like that… I’m never gonna do that” a lot. Going away to college, I didn’t know peer pressure could ever affect me…
The first weekend at school, I was heartbroken and missing a boy that wasn’t worth my time… I wanted validation and attention. I was at a new school and didn’t know anyone. I was sitting in the cafeteria with my one friend, my roommate they paired me with… and a guy approached me. He told me to go to a party with him that evening. That was the beginning of a lifestyle I never thought I would have. I wanted to numb the pain I was feeling. I drank to fill the void, to feel social, and lift my spirits… I didn’t go to church, I didn’t get involved with campus ministries, I didn’t give back… I was selfish, I wasn’t fulfilling my call to be a servant… I was selfishly getting drunk three-four nights a week. I felt great, sometimes I didn’t feel anything. I was ignoring the call to be a light in the darkness, and I became the darkness. After a while you start to see the fruits of your decisions and less and less Jesus. I gossiped, I cursed, I didn’t care about serving, I complained… instead of making me feel better, surprise: it brought me down to the depths… one day, I mentioned that I was a Christian… and I’ll never forget the words that were spoken to me.. “hannah for loving jesus you sure do drink a lot.”
(To clarify: I don’t think going to parties is wrong… that drinking is wrong… the issue is about what you’re filled with..Are you filled with the spirit or the world… selfishness or selflessness.. what do you desire more?)
Those words hit me on the head like a brick… I was knocked to my knees and I didn’t know how to get back up.
Fast forward to December, I graduated college… I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with my life.. but God placed a missions trip on my heart.. every time I opened my phone, I saw an Adventures in Missions ad… I didn’t know why I was saying yes to a month long missions trip in Costa Rica… but God was working on me and wanted me to stop running away from Him..
I want to encourage those who are “stuck…” that you’re never too far gone to be loved by God and to receive his grace. I thought I was coming on this missions trip to fill and encourage those around me.. but I’ve been filled to the brim with the love of God.
This trip I let go of all of baggage… I felt the Holy Spirit in a new way at my training camp.. God had forgiven me a long time ago, but this trip I learned to forgive myself… I let go of my shame I had been carrying around with me for the past 3 years.. I felt freedom in Christ and passion for God..
Psalm 55:18: “He hath redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me..”
The song Reckless love says: “there’s no wall you won’t tear down, no mountain you won’t climb up, coming after me..”
God violently pursues us, we push him away.. he follows us, and we back away..
A couple days ago, I had the pleasure of sharing my testimony with a jungle church in Talamanca… I had a lot of things written down… a lot of verses picked out.. and I didn’t say anything I had prepared..
I followed the Holy Spirit.. and I could feel my heart screaming to follow Him in every area of my life…
We had a day off as a team this week and packed up to go to the beach.. it was in the waters of puerto viejo that I rededicated my life to the Lord.. I am dead to the ways of the world… at training camp one of our leaders said “some people become so accustomed to the darkness that it becomes their normal..” I’m done being content as a lukewarm Christian and living in the darkness.. being that girl that “loves the Lord, but no one can tell because she’s always drunk.” I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am God’s child.. and so are you.. you’re never too far gone. Our shame, guilt, and pain was taken at the cross, let it go.
My sweet sister Olivia hugging me as I came out of the ocean.
Shelby and Emma were both baptized with me and I could not be happier.
My leaders Jose and Caleb praying over me before I was baptized. I’ll never forget how cleansing their words were for me.. “I pray for Hannah… that she can let go of anything she’s been holding onto. That you will forgive her for any sins she’s committed..” as the tears streamed, I let go of everything.
